Finding Out I Was Pregnant: Facing Uncertainty
1992 I fell in love with the guy of my dreams. I was a sophomore in high school and certain he was the one for me. Abusive, smoker, drinker, missed most of his classes at school. A few months into the relationship, I got the feeling I was pregnant. Didn’t want to deal with it so I ignored it for a while. Finally, asked a friend to take me to a Planned Parenthood location to find out for sure. I was. They ensured I had brochures on locations for abortions and sent me on my way. I told the boyfriend and his family; they were upset but ready to welcome a baby into the family. Told my parents and while my mom was ready to go along with being a grandmother, my father was not. He hit the roof and being Catholic demanded an abortion so that no one in the family would know. The clinic assured us that we were still within the legal time frame which was a surprise since I was already showing.
My mom took me to the clinic for the procedure. The waiting room was full. They were running people in and out very quickly. I sat next to a lady that was having her seventh one. She said it’s easy since the guys always pay for it. When it was my turn, things worked like getting a pap smear to get ready. As soon as they turned on the vacuum, my mind started screaming “No! No! No!” Over and over. I didn’t want to do this, but by then it was already going. I felt the second the baby was gone. Like my soul broke from losing that soul. I was so very sick feeling. My brain couldn’t think straight. The pain was magnificent. The horror of what I did registered.
We had it done going into the week of spring break. I just laid in bed broken for over a week just bleeding, alone, wishing for death. I had no one to visit and didn’t want anyone to. I told myself it wasn’t my choice and that I had to do what Dad said. (though I never did before) I hated myself and was suicidal. I convinced myself it was what was best for many years, though raising a child or giving a child away would’ve been way easier than what I was experiencing daily. The emptiness, guilt, regret. If only I’d just gone on a little longer and had the baby. I planned to never have children because I didn’t deserve to. How could I after throwing one child away like trash?
How I Found Healing Through Faith
I knew no matter what, I would never again have another abortion and wouldn’t support anyone I knew to ever have one themselves. Eventually, I had two children of my own, which added to the guilt even more. I really knew how wrong I was many years earlier. I eventually found Jesus. His forgiveness paved the way to healing after so many years of heartache. Decades later, about a year ago, I finally found a way to forgive myself.
With all the bad situations I have experienced throughout my life, I can honestly say there is nothing worse than that feeling of breakage deep within the soul that occurs during an abortion. Months will go by without thinking of being raped, days will go by that I don’t think of family and friends that committed suicide. But I think about that abortion every day. Still.
I would never wish this on anyone no matter their circumstances for thinking this would be an acceptable solution. People speak as if it erases a mistake or horror. It doesn’t. You still need to heal from the situations. And adding the unspeakable horror of what an abortion causes doesn’t make anything easier. It’s harder because it’s your choice unlike other situations that are beyond your control. Your mind’s focus is changed. It’s not about your body. Having an abortion lays bare your mind, heart, and soul.
